Nobody moves through the stages of grief in a linear fashion, we tend to vacillate, or jump around a lot, and many get stuck in a particular stage along the way. Many get stuck at the denial stage, especially now with catastrophic climate change and its impending consequences. But many people reach stage seven and for most people this is as far as it goes. They’re back to work, getting on with life, almost normal. Bouts of sadness occur, but they’re coping ok. They’re moving on and getting on with life.
However an emotional impairment remains, while capable of superficial emotional experience, deep and profound emotional experience eludes them. Two examples would be; firstly, deep laughter, the belly laugh, uncontrollable, unstoppable laughter that brings tears to the eye, and the second one heartfelt joy that again brings tears to the eyes and warms the heart. I would suggest that most people today have these emotional impairments as a result of unresolved grief resulting from emotional trauma. Failure to resolve Stage Seven and Eight will leave us emotionally guarded, leading to emotional impairment, that stops us from loving life and being really happy and joyful. Many people will ask, how can you be happy knowing your going to die? Well humans have always known that, everybody dies sooner or later. If we’re going to die sooner all the more reason to enjoy today, while we still can. Guy McPherson says “Only Love remains”, isn’t love supposed to make us happy?
During stage six we realized there were some disturbing aspects of ourselves. We had some dark emotions, thoughts and behaviors. We realized that we had this debating society in our heads that filled our minds with endless chatter, and we came face to face with our dark side, The Shadow, and for some of us it was very dark in deed. Our task is to unify, to bring together all these split off aspects of ourselves so that we can be happy and fulfilled. We really need to make friends with our Shadow, it is the path to liberation.
There is another ancient story I’ll use to shed some light on our plight. It is an ancient archetypal story about going out to get back in.
I’m sure most of you have heard the story of “The Prodigal Son”, it could have been called The Prodigal Daughter, the outcome would be the same.
As the story goes there was a teenage boy, who approached his wealthy father and demanded his inheritance now, while he was young enough to enjoy it. The extremely wise father smiled and said ”of course”, what a wonderful idea.
The Prodigal took his wealth and headed for town, and he partied endlessly. Wine, women and song, a completely hedonistic life for years till the money was all gone. He woke up desperate and alone, and he headed for home. His father got news that his son was returning, he was filled with compassion and joy and ran off to meet his wayward son. He hugged him and embraced him when they met. The son apologized profusely, but the father waved it off, he was already preparing for the homecoming party, and he spared no expense.
The elder brother witnessing this festival was shocked and dismayed. Full of righteous indignation he complained to his father. His father replied “son you’ve always been with me, all that I have has always been yours, but this is your brother, who was lost to me, but now has been found.”
During stages six and seven many people realize that we are all the Prodigal sons and daughters. We have squandered our wealth pursuing the great American dream. We became intoxicated pursuing success, love, acceptance and belonging, or as the Buddha said addicted to Power, Property, Prestige and Pleasure. We squandered our inheritance pursuing in the city which was already ours at home. The father of compassion said, “all that I have has always been yours”. Stage six and seven are marked by this inner Soul searching, and many of us realize how intoxicating life in the fast lane can be. Driven by ambition, and the will to succeed, we never stop to ask “What do I really need?” We shop till we drop, we’ve never enough, and we never ask why. How did we, and not just us, how did our species stray so far from home.
This crisis has given us the opportunity, the excuse we need to question and explore the dark side of our life, and the dark side of humanity. The internal conflict we have experienced working through the stages of grief is reflected in the conflicts we see in our society. The dark side is considered evil by some, but this evil is simply composed of layer upon layer of unresolved trauma. We are all victims of trauma, and in our turn we all become participants in or perpetrators of trauma. Complacency is the enemy of good.
So many of us have been the Prodigal sons and daughters while so many others are the self-righteous elder sibling.
Kunkel would say the the Prodigal son is merely the Shadow, and the self-righteous indignant elder brother is the ego.
But, isn’t it time we all became the compassionate parent. By understanding our dark side and being compassionate and forgiving of ourselves we can then be compassionate and forgiving of others. When we stop judging ourselves, we will stop judging others. If we explore our pain, make sense of our suffering we can stop reacting to it and compensating for it. We can make peace with our Shadow we can make peace with ourselves, and then by extension everyone else. Then and only then will Guy McPherson’s statement be true. “Only Love Remains”. But what is love? A good definition of Love that we hear at a lot of weddings is:
1 Corinthians 13 (NIV)
13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.