An infant having spent nine months in its mother’s womb genuinely needs constant attention, reassurance and affection in order that the We feeling and sense of belonging is maintained. Any breach of the We will result in trauma and an overly sensitive and reactive ego will develop.
An infant perceiving or experiencing a deficiency in The meeting of its basic emotional needs will feel a sense of personal inadequacy, feelings of not being good enough to warrant the attention and affection it genuinely needs. The feeling of not being good enough or inadequate is called shame. The wounded infant’s primary emotion as a result of emotional trauma is shame. The infant feels it is unworthy of love as a result of its personal defects, and this is where the ego steps in to compensate for or eliminate these perceived defects of character or personality. In severe cases of neglect and abuse an entirely new persona, or person is created and a complete disconnect from the Authentic Self results.
Just so you know Malignant Narcissists, Psychopaths and Sociopaths are incapable of empathy or compassion resulting in a failure of conscience. Their ego is free floating, completely cut off from any sense of empathy or compassion. They genuinely have no conscience. They are cut off completely from any connection to the Authentic Self. Only the Authentic Self is capable of empathy and compassion. While some egocentric people choose to ignore or repress their feelings of empathy, they have them to repress, they are usually those suffering from repressed anger and unresolved resentments.
Far to many mothers in the past century raising children alone without adequate support structures have simply just burned out early in the child rearing process. Unable to give the child what it needs in terms of attention and affection they have improvised ways to distract the child from its feelings of insignificance resulting from the lack of attention. Since the 1950’s TV and kids programming on TV have been used by these stressed out mothers to distract and entertain their children while the mothers attend to other household chores, or just finds some rest. The other tactic often used is to distract the child with a new toy or some other stimulating object to again divert the child’s attention away from its needs. Both of these short term strategies have long term consequences.
Firstly the gap in attention and affection results in a lowering of significance and security for the child, this has a serious effect on the child’s esteem, or how it feels about its adequacy and worthiness. A child feeling inadequate and unworthy experiences shame. As the practices of diversion and distraction continue a deepening sense of shame develops and this very uncomfortable feeling is then repressed into the unconscious. The ego becomes a willing co-conspirator in the rejection and repression of the Authentic Self. The Authentic Self is deemed by the ego to be inadequate and unworthy of love. Compensatory personality traits are developed by the ego and applied to the developing persona or false-self.
The second major damaging aspect to Self is when the child is distracted by new toys or tasty treats an objectification begins to take place. What the child needs is love but this need is bought off and a toy or a treat is substituted. Thus love becomes equated with objects and a materialistic attitude is added to the developing persona, where objects can be substituted for love. This aspect can lead later in life to excessive materialism and spending. In other words a shopaholic is born. If sugary treats are substituted for love obesity will develop and be a life long problem.
It also pays to remember that a child sitting in front of the TV is exposed to commercials aimed at creating artificial desires in the child for toys and objects that have now become equated with love.
These early shaming experiences have a profound affect on the child’s sense of belonging. There is an early breach of the We resulting in a rejection of Self, as a result this underlying sense of inadequacy and unworthiness will affect all of the adults relationships. This wounded adult will never fully believe they are lovable, and as a result will always feel insecure in their relationships. Nor will they fully believe that they are fully accepted as they are and belong fully to any group. They will suffer from deep feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and unworthiness throughout their adult life.
All of our values and beliefs are formed in the first five years of life and they dictate our adult reactions and behaviors.
Tomorrow I will focus on video games used to distract children from their need for love and attention.