Belonging is programmed into our DNA. For millions of years fish formed schools and then birds formed flocks and then mammals came along and formed packs and herds. Our closest relatives from which we evolved live in groups. Our survival depends upon the group or tribe, humans could not have survived as individuals, we are an interdependent species. We need each other if we are to survive. For hundreds of thousands of years we lived in small closely knit tribes, knowing our individual survival was dependent on the group survival, they were inseparable. These tribal groupings were small rarely exceeding thirty members and as a result were very intimate. People grew up together were related and really knew each other, there was a real sense of intimacy and belonging.
Infants are born with this need to belong programmed into their DNA, and having spent nine months in the mothers womb, there is a deep biological bond between mother and child. The infant believes it and its mother are one. We are a “We”, it is real, it is genuine it is in our shared DNA. This We feeling is the foundation for all emotional and psychological development and must be protected, nourished, developed and matured in the first five years of life if we are going to have healthy individuals and society’s.
In the 1920’s it was decided by a few very wealthy and powerful men that this interdependence and social Unity was bad for business. Social cohesion was dangerous to their business interests, interdependence must be replaced and psychologists were hired to destroy the the extended family. Closely knit extended families living in small groups within small villages meant smaller markets. If mom had a washing machine she shared it with her kids who lived nearby, the children brought their laundry over and they sat and visited while they had tea. This meant four or five families shared one washing machine, it was communal. But instead of selling four or five washing machines the manufacturers were only selling one. This had to be stopped. Psychologists hired by capitalists began to promote the idea of individuality and independence. People needed to become strong, and independent, self-reliant, self-made, self-sufficient and stand on their own two feet. Young adults needed to leave the village and move to the city and get a job and support themselves, and buy their own washing machine. All forms of familial interdependence had to be extinguished. Self-esteem, self-sufficiency, independence and rugged individualism were highly promoted in the media and in the movies.
This orchestrated break down of the extended family, the tribal unit and the small village community destroyed the social safety net of the family, instead people were dependent on their job, in the city, provided by the capitalists for their survival. This breakdown of the family unit produced a huge sense of insecurity. The sense of security that came from belonging to an extended family was lost. The “We” feeling, the sense of Unity and belonging was lost. This was extremely traumatic, resulting in massive insecurity issues and a search for belonging. Friends replaced family, providing more opportunity for capitalist exploitation. People were encouraged to have more friends and to socialize more, after work of course. The social entertainment industry was created to capitalize on the need to belong and the roaring 20’s was born. Wasn’t life fun in the city, there was so much to do so many places to go and have fun with your friends and spend money. Popularity and a good job defined success.
The real “We” feeling was replaced with what Fritz Kunkel defined as the “sham-we”. The complete breakdown of the extended family and the tribal unit meant mothers had to raise their children alone without the support of the extended family. The nuclear family was alone and vulnerable, completely financially dependent on capitalism. Independence produced isolation, and isolation lead to vulnerability and this inner sense of vulnerability and being fundamentally alone produced major stresses for mothers, left to raise their infants alone. Postpartum depression became normal and was blamed on hormonal imbalances, not on the stress created by the familial breakdown. Stress produces it own hormones which then interfere with other hormonal systems. Women were never meant to raise children alone, it takes a village to raise a child, villages were formed by groupings of extended families, there was a ton of support for mothers and their children. They were taken care of, they belonged. The We was intact and one just belonged, it was their birthright. There was a real “We” not a sham-we. The sham-we is created by the false-self interacting with the false-selves of others, it is image based, based upon the image created by the false-self and therefore largely illusionary. Remember Buddha and many of the great mystics have said life is an illusion. The sham-we is largely responsible for this illusionary life.
Childhood trauma creates a separation from the Authentic-Self and the ego created false-self being false is incapable of real relationships or a real We feeling therefore the sham-we feeling is created as a substitute, based upon superficial personality traits that are artificial. The false-self is unconscious of the presence of the Authentic-Self living within. The false-self believes this is who you really are, the image created by the ego designed to get approval and affection from a stressed out distracted mother.
The true meaning of adultery is being unfaithful to oneself, the Authentic-Self. If we are unfaithful to our true Self how can we be faithful to one-another. This is the true meaning of infidelity, we are infidels. We don’t have a true relationship with ourselves and therefore we don’t have a true relationship,with others, this is the sham-we. Sham-we relationships are fundamentally unsatisfying as they have no real depth. Deep within our personal and collective unconscious there is a “knowing”, unconsciously we know our life is based upon a lie, we know there is more to us than this life we are living. This unconscious knowing produces an inner angst that causes the mid-life crises, where dissatisfaction, depression and suffering result. the midlife crises is associated with a sense of inner emptiness, a search for meaning, and end to the inner sense of loneliness caused by the separation from the Authentic Self and its capacity for integrity and a true sense of belonging to something greater than oneself. Thankfully the solution lies within all of us. Authenticity cannot be created nor destroyed, it may be dormant but it is stirring, and this inner stirring, this inner turmoil produced by the stirrings of the Authentic Self is why we suffer. We desire real attachment beyond any superficial sense of belonging, and thankfully it is there lying dormant within us.