Hopefully the previous posts have shown that childhood trauma activates the ego into a reactive and defensive state that activates the psychological defense mechanisms of the infant. However, the egos defensive strategies rather than defending the Authentic Self begin to repress aspects of Self that are believed to be the cause of the trauma. These strategies begin to create a personality or person that the ego believes will be more successful at maintaining the Unity of mother and child and therefore the survival of the infant. This manipulation of personality creates a deviance in the path to individuation. This deviance or diversion is the source of all deviance later in life. The greater the trauma in infancy the greater the deviance later in life. The greater the childhood trauma the greater the interference is by the ego and the more the personality is distorted as more and more of the Authentic Self is repressed into the unconscious. The Authentic Self does not die it is merely imprisoned deep within the cellar of the unconscious where it continues to be grow and develop unconsciously. The repressed aspects of the Self do not die either but remain active in the unconscious in an immature state, this is often referred to as the dark side of ones personality or Shadow side, that part of ourselves we like to deny and keep hidden from view. However the Shadow is active or shall we say reactive and can cause much suffering in life with its outbursts. An obvious example used frequently is anger. When an infant perceives that it’s basic emotional needs are not being met it feels a disconnect from the We causing fear, the infant cries out for attention hoping to get its genuine needs met but instead is met with disapproval, causing more stress and more frantic crying. The ego quickly intervenes and decides that this emotional outburst is unacceptable to the mother and begins to repress these displays of frustration and represses the emotional feeling into the unconscious. Over time these repressed emotions become more and more powerful and will break out when stress or frustration levels become high enough. These emotional outbursts will be childlike because they are immature. Repression prevents the infant from maturing their emotional experiences and incorporating them into the process of individuation, the journey towards wholeness and completion.
The personality created by the ego is a deviant personality, deviated from the truth and life’s path of individuation. This false self by its very nature is fraudulent, it’s entire existence is dependent upon its creator the ego. Therefore the very nature of the false self is egocentric. This created persona by its very nature is maladaptive, an adaptation to childhood trauma. Being maladaptive, egocentric and possessing a very dark and powerful shadow side full of repressed emotion the false self is doomed to suffer. The false self is false, it is fraudulent, it is an artificial construct, it does not belong. How could it not suffer?
You are not you. The you that you identify with and present to the world, is not you, the real you lies buried within and does not suffer, suffering is confined to the surface of life and has no permanence or depth. Suffering is always attached to the egocentric self and none of this is your fault. The deviation began in infancy, an infants response to trauma or unmet needs. You cannot blame yourself as an infant for infantile responses, remember the prelinguistic infant lacking words cannot think, it can only react at the emotional level. Thinking is totally language dependent. Try thinking without using words. It cannot be done even by an adult. Infants and children rely on the functions of sensation, feeling and intuition to navigate life. Rational thought does not exist yet and begins to develop at around two years of age. Your personality is well developed by the time you begin to think and has been entirely shaped by your earliest experiences of life, all of which were beyond your control. Your ego did its best to ensure your physical survival but at a great cost to your emotional and psychological development and to your Authenticity.
The more you are able to bring into consciousness the fact that the suffering you is not you, the more you can detach from your ego and the false self, the less suffering you will experience now. Your ego controls your thinking and it is your thinking that causes suffering. There are painful experiences in life for sure, but pain does not cause suffering. It is our egos response to pain that causes suffering, suffering results from our thinking. If you could silence your thoughts even for a few minutes your suffering would cease during the silent period and only return with your thinking.
If you are suffering now just distract yourself from your thinking for a few minutes and focus your attention to your breathing and just breath, ignoring your thoughts for a few minutes and see how you feel. Meditation is not about stopping our thoughts, it is about just ignoring them for a time, not getting caught up by them and interacting with them. Learning to meditate and faithfully practicing it can be very helpful in ending suffering and help along the path to Individuation.
My current favorite book on meditation which has replaced my old standby “The Cloud of Unknowing” is.
Cynthia Bourgeault: The Heart of Centering Prayer: Nondual Christianity in Theory and Practice